So, I don't know whether turning 26 next Tuesday has sparked some sort of weird philosophical need in me, but I have been thinking about a million things recently, not least of which have been about very deep things...It is also entirely possible that watching 4 seasons of Lost in the past month have also caused me to think about lots of things...I don't know. I guess I'm trying to make sense of life and what it means to be human. Don't we all?
So, first off, on Wednesday when Iwalked into the UCSF ER to volunteer, the first thing that I saw was one of the 5150 patients (mental patients, for those of you who don't know what a 5150 is) lying on his bed, seemingly asleep, with his penis just hanging out of his gown. This normally wouldn't phase me, cause really, 1/2 the world has a penis, but for some reason this really got me thinking. Here was someone who at that moment didn't really care what anyone thought about him and was free to do what he wanted to do, which I guess included showing off his naked self to the world. I think that some part of me envied him.
This brings me to my second point. I've been feeling like a peon for a long time now, endlessly moving along a pre-written path towards that thing which we all strive for, "success." Perhaps I'm just tired and feeling a little burned out from all this Pre-Med stuff, but recently I feel like I am just a cog in a machine that just keeps moving forward and that really sucks. I mean, we are all here on earth trying to survive. First we go to school, then to college, and then we get jobs and get married. At some point we are supposed to feel empowered and successful, like we have accomplished something great and that we are moving forward! But really, we all slog through the week, most of us in clothes that we don't want to wear, not spending enough time with our loved ones or ourselves. This causes us to be fat, unhealthy, stressed out, and mad at the world. I think most of us as children did not envision ourselves leading lives like this. I for one, sure didn't.
Yeah, some of us are better at leading balanced lives by doing things like yoga class or spending time with friends, but I really don't think that it makes a difference. To me, its comical. Its like there is a set of rules for how we are supposed to live our lives, and then, when stress hits, there is a set of things that should be done to mitigate the stress. In essence, because most of us are following this path, we lose a bit of our individuality. Which brings me to my next point...
I'm starting to believe that to be successful one has to be a sheep. As I was walking to work today I was observing people as usual and the thought came to me that by golly we all dress and act exactly the same! It was so wierd! I was hit with this overwhelming sense that I was the odd one out. I mean, everywhere I looked people were wearing some combination of jeans, a trendy shirt, overpriced generic leather blingy handbag and then some other ridiculous accessory in the form of high heels, coiffured hair, or flashy jewelry. Yeah, people looked great for the most part, but actually everybody looked the same. It's like there is some un-stated rule for what must be worn in order to be accepted. I mean, I should have learned this in middle school when clothes were all that mattered, but for some reason the lesson escaped me.
Finally, driving on 280 back home, it was as if I was not really driving my car, but observing myself living my life, completely detached from my actual physical body. There must be some sort of psychology term for this. I have felt this before but not for a long time. I wonder what it is.
I guess, really, I am realizing that I don't just want to be a peon in this thing we call life. I want to be my own person, free to muse about the workings of the universe, humanity as a whole, and the status of the living, breathing planet we inhabit. I hate feeling like I have to be somewhere, do something, or befriend people who are petty and quite happy living a completely unexamined life. I think maybe, deep down, I feel that the lives we lead are too complex and that perhaps, we were never meant to live like this. Is it really so weird to wish for time to spend in the great outdoors, and to contemplate existence on an almost daily basis? I hate dealing with money and loans and bureaucracy and red tape and bosses telling me how to do things when they don't even know how to do things themselves. All I want is to be able to slow down and breathe, smelling the smells of the world around me and trying to understand their meaning.
Maybe I'm not cut out for the system. But to survive you have to make money and that is what I am trying to go to school for...At this point I have so much debt that I almost have to become a Doctor. Don't get me wrong, I want to be a doctor with my whole being, but the path to get there is just so darn tiring and stressful. I really need to sit down and evaluate what is the best path to take to get there....