Some Thoughts About the World...

So, I don't know whether turning 26 next Tuesday has sparked some sort of weird philosophical need in me, but I have been thinking about a million things recently, not least of which have been about very deep things...It is also entirely possible that watching 4 seasons of Lost in the past month have also caused me to think about lots of things...I don't know. I guess I'm trying to make sense of life and what it means to be human. Don't we all?

So, first off, on Wednesday when Iwalked into the UCSF ER to volunteer, the first thing that I saw was one of the 5150 patients (mental patients, for those of you who don't know what a 5150 is) lying on his bed, seemingly asleep, with his penis just hanging out of his gown. This normally wouldn't phase me, cause really, 1/2 the world has a penis, but for some reason this really got me thinking. Here was someone who at that moment didn't really care what anyone thought about him and was free to do what he wanted to do, which I guess included showing off his naked self to the world. I think that some part of me envied him.

This brings me to my second point. I've been feeling like a peon for a long time now, endlessly moving along a pre-written path towards that thing which we all strive for, "success." Perhaps I'm just tired and feeling a little burned out from all this Pre-Med stuff, but recently I feel like I am just a cog in a machine that just keeps moving forward and that really sucks. I mean, we are all here on earth trying to survive. First we go to school, then to college, and then we get jobs and get married. At some point we are supposed to feel empowered and successful, like we have accomplished something great and that we are moving forward! But really, we all slog through the week, most of us in clothes that we don't want to wear, not spending enough time with our loved ones or ourselves. This causes us to be fat, unhealthy, stressed out, and mad at the world. I think most of us as children did not envision ourselves leading lives like this. I for one, sure didn't.

Yeah, some of us are better at leading balanced lives by doing things like yoga class or spending time with friends, but I really don't think that it makes a difference. To me, its comical. Its like there is a set of rules for how we are supposed to live our lives, and then, when stress hits, there is a set of things that should be done to mitigate the stress. In essence, because most of us are following this path, we lose a bit of our individuality. Which brings me to my next point...

I'm starting to believe that to be successful one has to be a sheep. As I was walking to work today I was observing people as usual and the thought came to me that by golly we all dress and act exactly the same! It was so wierd! I was hit with this overwhelming sense that I was the odd one out. I mean, everywhere I looked people were wearing some combination of jeans, a trendy shirt, overpriced generic leather blingy handbag and then some other ridiculous accessory in the form of high heels, coiffured hair, or flashy jewelry. Yeah, people looked great for the most part, but actually everybody looked the same. It's like there is some un-stated rule for what must be worn in order to be accepted. I mean, I should have learned this in middle school when clothes were all that mattered, but for some reason the lesson escaped me.

Finally, driving on 280 back home, it was as if I was not really driving my car, but observing myself living my life, completely detached from my actual physical body. There must be some sort of psychology term for this. I have felt this before but not for a long time. I wonder what it is.

I guess, really, I am realizing that I don't just want to be a peon in this thing we call life. I want to be my own person, free to muse about the workings of the universe, humanity as a whole, and the status of the living, breathing planet we inhabit. I hate feeling like I have to be somewhere, do something, or befriend people who are petty and quite happy living a completely unexamined life. I think maybe, deep down, I feel that the lives we lead are too complex and that perhaps, we were never meant to live like this. Is it really so weird to wish for time to spend in the great outdoors, and to contemplate existence on an almost daily basis? I hate dealing with money and loans and bureaucracy and red tape and bosses telling me how to do things when they don't even know how to do things themselves. All I want is to be able to slow down and breathe, smelling the smells of the world around me and trying to understand their meaning.

Maybe I'm not cut out for the system. But to survive you have to make money and that is what I am trying to go to school for...At this point I have so much debt that I almost have to become a Doctor. Don't get me wrong, I want to be a doctor with my whole being, but the path to get there is just so darn tiring and stressful. I really need to sit down and evaluate what is the best path to take to get there....

ER Volunteering

Having spent the last six weeks volunteering at the UCSF Emergency Department for four hours every Wednesday night, I figured that I would chronicle some of my experiences. I figure that because I am supposed to be learning from this experience I should make note of the things that strike me as important, fascinating, or otherwise interesting. When it comes time for medical school applications, looking back on my posts will give me food for thought.

Being an ED volunteer means that I get to assist what the hospital calls "PCA's," or Patient Care Assistants, with their tasks. This means doing a whole lot random things including re-folding linens, cleaning rooms, feeding patients, getting blood from the blood bank, running to material services for random items, talking to patients, and pretty much anything and everything else that is asked of me. Quite honestly, I don't enjoy doing most of these tasks but I know that I am really helping out the two PCAs. Also, running up and down the stairs and around random floors of the hospital keeps me moving and I get to see lots of different areas of the hospital that I otherwise wouldn't be able to see. And I have to say, going to the blood bank still wierds me out a little bit. I mean, they essentially give you a packet of half frozen blood in a red bag. Something about half frozen blood wierds me out. Blood is supposed to be warm and oozing, not freezing. It's not that the blood itself makes me unnerved, its the sterility and coldness of those little packets...

There are many things which make being in the ED very interesting, not least of which is getting to see all the different types of patients that come in with a whole host of problems. I'm not gonna lie when I say that there is something really neat about getting to see people's wounds and ailments and how they handle themselves when they are in pain. It really is an exercise in social observation. For example, last night a young man (who was really attractive I might add) came in with a completely dislocated ankle. And by completely dislocated, I mean his foot was pointing perpendicularly to his tibia instead of straight forward! Ouch! I got to watch two Doctors inject him with not one, but TWO huge vials of local anesthetic before they proceeded to literally yank his foot back into place. Now, for me, this was crazy cool because I had never seen a bone being "popped" back into place. The room became really tense before they the "popping" action because they knew how painful this would be for the poor soccer player. He braced himself for the pain and then grinned and bared it whilst the bones were re-set. Absolutely amazing. The patient was such a strong individual. Props to him and his Doctors. So, yeah.

Two weeks before that I got to watch CT scans being performed on two separate patients, one of which was being tested for stroke. The actual machine is really menacing becuase you are lying on a "bed" with your upper body and head surrounding by a huge spinning, whirring disk. And you have to stay absolutely still. The amazing part, however, were the pictures that the CT scan generated. You could see the inside of the body and brain really well, along with all of the major arteries and organs. Having taken anatomy the semester before made these images that much more poignant because I know what they really look like on the inside of the body. The CT scan technician pointed out landmarks like the Circle of Willis and the carotid arteries to me, and was surprised that I actually knew where they were. I really enjoyed being able to use that knowledge in "real life" and I can't wait to grow my knowledge base about the human body.

Overall, volunteering in the ED has been a really positive experience thus far. No, the UCSF ED is not a trauma ED so I don't get to see lots of gun shot wounds or women in labor, but this is a nice start. I'm learning the ropes and it feels really good to be in and around those actually practicing medicine, helping them out in the small ways that I can. Who knows, maybe I'll find a way to work in the SFGH ED where the real fun happens ;)

Required Volunteering

As every pre-medical student knows, one of the important components in the formula to getting into medical school is volunteering. It is preferred that this volunteering be of the clinical variety, exposing volunteers to direct patient interaction and those providers that give the health care. In my quest for medical school admission, I have decided to succumb to what I call the "formula" and have started volunteering for two great locations: Lyon Martin Health Services and the UCSF Emergency Department.

I've been at Lyon Martin now for five weeks and it has been a fantastic experience thus far. All of the staff and health care providers are great people and they are always willing to answer any questions, however petty, that I may have. As a Volunteer Clinical Assistant, my duties will ultimately include rooming patients, taking histories, room-cleaning, and other patient-centered activities. Right now, I spend most of my time filing stacks of charts and assisting the front desk with whatever tasks they need help with. This is not nearly as interesting as rooming patients, but it is valuable in teaching me how the clinic operates and getting me familiar with the kinds of patients that we see.

Lyon Martin is a women's clinic that focuses on LGBT and transgender medicine. I know. What is this straight as an arrow person doing at this clinic? Hah. I ask myself that sometimes too. I am very passionate about ensuring that everyone has access to adequate health care, no matter what their background or status in life may be. Yes, 1/3 of the patients are transgender, but this is because we provide great care and treat all patients as equal. Especially in that community, this is not the norm. Many transgender individuals have nerve-wracking and biased health care experiences and they often choose to forgo basic care due to the discrimination that they may face. So, why am I dedicating my time to this clinic? Because I first and foremost care about people and I want to be part of a clinic that cares about people as well.

In addition to my service at Lyon Martin, I have also decided to volunteer at UCSF in the Emergency Department. I have not started yet, but I just attended the ED orientation last night. Let me tell you, this is going to be an entirely different experience from that at Lyon Martin. The UCSF ED is not like the ED at SFGH. There is not usually a lot of trauma or low-income patients, comparatively. To me, it doesn't matter. I want to learn about how treatment is done in a hospital environment and I figured that the UCSF ED would be a good place to start.

Now, after last night's orientation I must admit that I am quite nervous. There are so many things to remember, the least of which is trying not to bring any lawsuits upon the ED. LEAST OF WHICH!!! Sure, I am not going to be diagnosing or treating patients in any way, but I am going to be speaking with them and ensuring that they as comfortable as they can be. I know it is going to take me a while to figure out what exactly is my responsibility and what I can and cannot do; I just hope that people are understanding with me and help to guide me in the right direction. My next step is to set up a time to shadow another volunteer. This will hopefully get done next week. And then, I'll be on my own ;)

Yes, clinical experience is critical to understanding how health care is provided and to figure out whether being a health care provider is truly the right career path for me. So far, I have absolutely loved my volunteer experiences and I look forward to continuing to learn and contribute as much as I can. Lyon Martin and UCSF are two completely different environments and I specifically wanted it this way. Hopefully by the time I **get in** to medical school I will have a firm understanding of whether I want to work in a hospital or a small clinic and what kinds of patients I am most comfortable interacting with. Now I just have to sit back, relax, and let the fun continue...